Five dolla bills ya’ll!
Rating A Top Series: No Easy Feat
Oh man, where and how do we start to rank the long list of GTA games that has been around for over almost 20 years now! That’s right folks: Grand Theft Auto is now older than most college freshman, and man do I feel old. But, gray hairs and bad decisions aside I feel like I can give a pretty accurate ranking because we grew up together; from the online 8bit demos released in 1997 (which you can still download off their main website) to the most recent release of GTA 5.
It’s just a few rocket launchers what’s the bfd?
I have been there through thick and thin: the plot holes, glitches, lost saves, cheat codes (back when those were still a thing), the first GTA easter eggs, running out of ammo during critical missions, cruising on main street, picking up hookers, impossible missions, the GTA story series (not my favorite), and turning on GTA just to drive around in my favorite car running people over until the car eventually is ingulfed in flames and then blows up. Why? Because violence. That’s why. For the first time in my life I could break the law as flagrantly as I wanted with no real world repercussions you know like jail and court fines. Instead of being the “innocent” child (the eldest, mind you) I was transformed into a psychopathic mass murderer / good guy just trying to make his way in the world blurring the lines of social acceptability and law.
So while I will try to refrain from adding additional bias to this ranking keep in mind this is like trying to rank your life long friends who have been around since elementary school, and who are still around today. You have seen them grow up and develop into the complex systems they are now. Lets jump in!
1. The Three Musketeers of Grand Theft Auto: V
Of all the GTA games this is by far the best to date; not just because it’s the newest, but because it has so many new elements for seasoned and newbie gamers to enjoy. Rockstar was apparently napping when they greenlighted the driving mechanics on GTAIV but on V the driving is smooth as silk! The in game physics for the car just work better: quick breaking, responsive steering, and gas; it is almost as good as some racing games out on the market. I was so excited in my first 10 minutes of driving (when it got to that point) that I didn’t even get out!
This game also added the ability to switch characters during some story missions: why play as one guy when you can play as three? The way the storylines overlapped was in my opinion one of the best features of this game. Each character had their own special skills to use when the time came for it; and if any of you have played Star Wars Republic Commando and loved it, this game probably had the same appeal—it did for me.
Isn’t he soooo cute and fluffy!!! I love fluffy!
This game was basically a mash up of all the best games in the last few decades: Need for Speed in car mechanics and customization, The Sims in the sense of dating and hanging with your friends, Fable 2 with the addition of having the dog as your companion and being able to teach him tricks, large sand box like Just Cause 2, the bullet time out of Max Payne, and the list goes on.
Who you gonna call? Gho—pest control!!!
Not to mention the characters were stereotyped but interesting: middle aged white guy, Michael, in the middle of divorce with two kids you want to beat the crap out of; the meth drug dealer psychopath, Trevor, who very appropriately lives in a trailer park; and Franklin the kid from the streets trying to get his life straight (well sort of) and make some money.
This game is so great they are still adding features to it, with the next-generation update, first person perspective, and GTA Online.
My Rating: 5/5 Stars ….Honestly I don’t know how it could be better!
Crank it up to 11…!
2. The 80’s Called, it wants its hair band back …Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
By far of the all the GTA games on the list this is still my favorite to play and replay - hell I am about two hours into what will be my 5th replay. There’s just something about the sound track and feeling of this game I cannot get over…maybe it’s because the blocky and glitch personality of this game provides part of its charm. I had the controller cheat codes memorized and the computer list sitting by my screen as I played for hours.
Pretty lady loading screens…everyone hopes they are in the game but nooooo…
So many of my school day afternoons were spent cruising the beaches and running over hookers to steal their money. The dead blocky hooker bodies twitching under my feet as I continue to curb stomp them on the sidewalks or beating them to death with my baseball bat in the bushes. Oh, come on we are all a little psycho…
Video did kill the Radio Star…yeah let that one sink in….
I loved the fact this game wasn’t perfect and it had music I could listen to all day long. No other GTA game in the whole series has such a likable playlist or one that never gets old. This game is proof that simple graphics and storyline shouldn’t be overlooked, what happened to just letting loose and having a good time? This game does that for me. Why can’t more games today offer such simplistic beauty and a good time? I don’t always want to play something intense or complicated: sometimes I just want a nice little sandbox with some fun music piped into my ear holes.
My Rating: 4.5/5 Stars Less can be more.
Grove Street for Life! Those I ride with, I die with…
3. Fresh out tha Clink, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
As a person of color and a non-white ethnicity (take your pick), GTA: San Andreas was the first game, at that time in my life, I played where the protagonist wasn’t on the Wonder Bread spectrum. Sure other games tried to have some ethic characters but often those were RPGs which required you play as an Elf, Dwarf, or Goblin or some other “creature” to get the skin color to change. I like that you join the main character right out of jail and almost immediately are thrown back on the streets.
Why can’t you be my girlfriend? Please…?
I liked the realism of the cycle of poverty and jail. What happens to CJ in the game can happen to people in real life to extent. He’s a man who’s jailed for a crime he didn’t commit then when he goes back to his hood his friends and family have fallen apart and he must step in to be the leader.
My Ranking: 4/5 Great story and A- on execution.
4. Four is Four, Grand Theft Auto: IV
To be honest from the get go, I am not a super fan of GTA:IV because the main Niko Bellic is from Yugoslavia; and I am not from Eastern Europe. I am not saying I was incapable of roleplaying but the storyline seemed a bit too “stereotypical” and bland. I never really connected with the character or his motives, which, when coupled with the sloppiness of game play, just made for a somewhat disappointing game.
Mr. Freeze, Brrrrr...who turned on the A/C?
The driving mechanics sucked and were too stiff and unresponsive to do well on the races. Now, I will admit gunning it towards a light pole just to watch Niko flying through the windshield when he wasn’t wearing a seat belt was pretty hilarious! ...I may have repeated that feature a few times just to watch his body flail around at different angles but I always wondered how does this game fit in the series? Truth is this game was the stepping stone for GTA:V which we will get to later.
Fist Pump! Get my fitness own!
Once you get past the stiff game play and hollowness of the character the game did have some cool features. I liked that you could hang out with people you knew - aside from your girlfriends - like your cousin or that crazy push-ups guy who always seemed a bit too excited to see Niko—if you know what I mean. The GPS was a great addition because it means you can spend less time worrying about finding exact road you need to and for once in any game the sat nav worked really well!
The drunk function or the fact your character’s motor functions were changed in the game was sort of a ground breaking thing at the time: only a few other games have tried this, and mostly just by manipulating your stats which you don’t necessarily notice. GTA: IV made you “feel intoxicated” - I remember trying to drive while drinking it was so difficult to get my girlfriend at the time home it took almost three times as long as it should have.
My Rating: 3.5/5 Stars …I understand its purpose but I am not really wowed.
Batter up!
5. Is it a home run? No. It's Grand Theft Auto: III
Truth be told I set the bar way too high before this game came out and as a result I was shall we say underwhelmed. I don’t want to be a spoil sport or bash the game till kingdom come because that isn’t my style but what I will say is usually by the time a game gets to the third installment the pattern goes: first game blows your mind, second takes a swing and usually misses (always exceptions to the rules), then by the third game they are ready to build another solid game.
Spaloosh!
However, in GTA: III the game just never really “took off” for me. It’s like reading the first few chapters of a book and deciding you don’t enjoy the author’s voice so you bin it. The same thing happened to me in GTA: III; I did go back and try to play but to be honest I never finished because two words: Vice City.
My Rating: 3/5 Stars Linear storyline; linear rating.
The game is only as amazing as it’s press release…that’s all folks!
6. GTA Stories (Yes, all of them)
Time for the worst. Arguably any series with diehard fans always has a train wreck smoking away somewhere, usually some sort of spinoff: remember the Joey show which came after Friends. Great original series lead to the worst sitcom ever. Oh, for you younger folks this translates as when Family Guy gave birth to the twisted offspring of The Cleveland Show. Is it that horrid?
Yes. And here is why, every spin off in the list of GTA games was just a crappy overlay of the original game. In the Episodes from Liberty City Stories the game is supposed to predate GTA:III and takes place on almost the same map. The substantial additions are the motorcycles, helicopters, and clothing customization and in my book this isn’t really enough to warrant an entire new game or the full price of one. Perhaps, it could have been released as an ad-on and even now if it was offered as $5 download I would probably still consider that price a bit… steep.
Sleek cover…and loving the mustaches; if only they put this much TLC into the game…it could have been something.
The Vice City Stories had many of the same issues as LCS including the fact that the main character, Vic Vance, was a limp noodle despite being a corporal in the US Army. I couldn’t give two shakes about him during game play or even in my mind. And I tried! I wanted to like this guy: he comes from a poor family, and is trying to support his crazy family. But, the execution of the story just wasn’t compelling enough to make him interesting and CJ’s story was a lot more interesting.
The entire plot and many of the quests felt like high school - you know, agonizingly listening to your teacher drone on five minutes before the last school bell of the day—the feeling where each passing second feels like an infinitely expanding eternity. You just want the clock to strike the hour so you can do something else…anything else. Like maybe spoon your eyes out, jam a fork in your ear, or watch cement set.
I eventually just sucked it up and beat my head on a wall while grinding my way through the majority of the game. Now, with games I tend to have OCD but this game cured me. Literally. The more the game droned on the more it felt like I was chasing after something that was never there—it was a big bag burlap sack of gaming disappointment of all GTA games this one let the air out of my tires. Pftttttt.
Hell, even Steam doesn’t offer any of the GTA Stories (Liberty City Stories, Chinatown Wars, or Vice City Stories) on their portal and for good reason. They are the definition of dull and are basically Rockstar’s way of saying “we needed a paycheck”. ::Sigh::
My Rating: 2/5 stars …because killing by itself is only so fun.
It looks like an old school race game…like Pole Position
7. HEY, What about GTA, GTA: London, and GTA: 2?
Oh, don’t worry I didn’t forget about them. They are still here but I felt they needed to be in their own category separate from the ranking of the others. Plus, I like to end on a good note…
These games while old, are just pure fun! The 8bit catchy tunes and ridiculous missions felt like they were so amazing at the time but now they just seem ridiculous. For nostalgia reasons I really wish Rockstar would re-release these for my mobile phone and tablet. Some people might be all about the graphics and designs—I can be too, but sometimes its fun to play those old arcade games just to take you back to a time when life was simpler.
My Rating: Let the good times roll!!
If this article made you angry or happy please share below what your favorite and least favorite GTA moments were/are!! We would love to hear from you.
**My least favorite moment was when I paused the game to go have dinner and the power went out… I lost 2 hours of game play and was right in the middle of that stupid airplane mission with the flyers!**
