Too many to choose from, here are some of the funniest, most important and iconic Portal 2 quotes.
While the first Portal game is often described as a puzzle game with comedy, the 2011 sequel is more often considered a comedy game with puzzles. Portal 2 writers Eric Wolpaw, Jay Pinkerton and Chet Faliszek completely enriched the Portal franchise with witty and satirical dialogue. Almost every voice line in this ingenious game is injected with a unique variety of playful, yet dark humour. These lines are of course brought to justice with an insanely talented cast of voice actors. Stephen Merchant, Ellen McLain and J.K. Simmons makes up the lion’s share of the dialogue, however Joe Michaels and Nolan North also lend their talent to the game’s colourful, fleshed-out characters.
15 – “A minor case… of serious brain damage” – Wheatley
The introduction of Wheatley is full of hilarious moments.
After Aperture Science accidentally places our protagonist in ‘suspension’ for an unspecified amount of time, Chell finally receives a wake up call. Ideally, of course it’ll be someone who can fill in some blanks and calmly inform her on what she needs to know and where to go. Instead she gets Wheatley. The first appearance of what has since been considered an iconic Valve character is a panicked and absent-minded metal ball with one big, blue eye and a South English accent (Stephen Merchant). As perhaps...challenged as Wheatley might be, he still tries his best to reassure Chell and prepare her for what she might experience after spending so long in what is essentially a coma. The robot’s attempt at breaking such concerning news softly is hilarious and creates the perfect introduction into the kind of silly and thoughtless AI that he is. "Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for...quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case…of serious brain damage."
14 - "If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you." - Announcer
Even the Aperture Science Announcer is at a loss with this one
Here's the surprising moment in this short clip
Once Wheatley clumsily leads your floating motel room into a testing area, the pre-recorded voice of the Aperture Announcer begins to guide you through the first set of tests. The computerised, American voice of the Announcer informs the test subject about what to do in various apocalyptic and devastating events that may or may not have become reality. However, in the event that the very fundamentals of physics have somehow vanished , even the well-prepped announcer has no idea how to recommend advice and simply leaves it to God himself. "This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you."
13 - “I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you murdered me?” - GLaDOS
The terrifying moment when GLaDOS is awakened.
Here's the sinister moment at 4:30
Wheatley claims that to get to the so-called ‘Escape Pods’, the two of you will need to go past ‘her’. After initially finding the malevolent and cruel AI, GLaDOS in pieces and ‘asleep’, Wheatley lets out a sigh of relief… only to wake her up moments later by plugging himself into a nearby control panel. Wheatley is shocked to realise that you are the human that once defeated the powerful AI, meanwhile, GLaDOS is near-salivating (if robots can even do that) at the idea of exacting revenge and taking control of her little plaything once again. The familiar voice of Ellen McLain is (strangely) a joy to hear, especially for fans of the first Portal game. Even with the computerised effect that’s applied to GLaDOS’ voice, McLain’s performance certainly shines through as being equal parts threatening and passive-aggressively calm. “Oh, it's you. It's been a long time. How have you been? I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you murdered me?” Good to know there’s no hard feelings…
12 - “well done. Here are the test results: you are a horrible person” – GLaDOS
Just one of many of GLaDOS' not so subtle insults.
After the somewhat awkward reunion, GLaDOS proceeds to guilt trip Chell at every turn, naturally. Sometimes she subtly compares Chell to garbage (“Standing around. Smelling, and being useless.") and other times, she really just puts the aggressive in ‘passive-aggressive’. "Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that." At this point in the story, to say that GLaDOS is bitter is like saying Wheatley is an idiot. The brutal insults after every test are somehow made even funnier at how Chell doesn’t (or rather, can’t) react, at all, meaning that GLaDOS gets zero satisfaction, not that this stops.
11 - “Hey, buddy, "I'm speaking in an accent that is beyond her range of hearing..." – Wheatley
At least he tried...
Watch one of Stephen Merchant's most memorable lines in the entire game
Remarkably, Wheatley manages to fly under GLaDOS’ radar and keeps Chell updated on his brilliant escape plan. He tells the protagonist that it’s go-time in five chambers time, except two chambers later, the power is shut off to the test and Wheatley appears from behind a panel with the first step of his ‘brilliant’ plan. Wheatley calls over to Chell in some kind of Southern American drawl, “Hey, buddy, I'm speaking in an accent that is beyond her range of hearing…” This terrible accent is made all the more authentically bad by the fact that Wheatley’s voice actor, Stephen Merchant is in fact from Bristol, England. Wheatley continues in the same voice, “I know I'm early, but we have to go right NOW! Walk casually toward my position and we'll go shut her down." GLaDOS then calmly lets ‘Southern Wheatley’ know, "Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you." Instantly panicked, Wheatley shouts in his normal accent "Run! I don't need to do the voice. RUN!" The voice performances in this scene, combined with the surprising timing makes this moment one of the most memorable in the entire game.
10 - “Her name is Caroline” – Oracle Turret
The Oracle Turret has plenty of cryptic clues to say.
During Wheatley’s half-baked escape plan, the ‘metal ball’ leads you to where corrupt and broken turrets are filtered out and destroyed by the master turret. However, if the player wishes, Chell can pick up one of these broken robots and rescue them from the conveyor-belt of death. One turret can be heard in a squeaky, timid voice saying “I’m different”. This adorably sad line of dialogue often encourages players to interact with the flawed turret, where the broken bot begins to give some vague hints into the lore and future plot of the game. The turret references another entry on this list when it says “get mad!” but more on that later. It then also gives the eerie line “The truth is beneath us” which of course is referring to the gigantic depths of the Aperture Facility, where it all began in the 50s. Most interestingly, the turret also says “Her name is Caroline” which although vague, can still be considered a major spoiler for those playing the game for the first time. Although kind of minor, this random, throwaway moment really helps to enrich the world and invoke a mysterious sense of discovery into the player.
9 - “You’re about to be the immediate past president of the being alive club” – GLaDOS
Even without her weapons, GLaDOS is pretty threatening
When Wheatley’s plan somehow...works, the unlikely duo find themselves once again staring GLaDOS in the face and feeling pretty confident this time. No surprise, considering that all of her turrets are now dysfunctional and that they depleted all of her precious deadly neurotoxin gas. This entry is GLaDOS’ hilariously optimistic threat of death to Chell, just as she tries to set her faulty turrets on her. When that fails, she calmly goes to plan B and brings in the neurotoxin, which spits out nothing but Wheatley who got separated from Chell on the way to GLaDOS. Once the evil AI runs out of lethal options, we then get a bonus legendary quote from an entirely exasperated GLaDOS, "I hate you so much."
8 - "Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO!" - GLaDOS
GLaDOS briefs you about Wheatley during your freefall together
Enjoy the whole conversation featuring the Potato's sarcasm in full effect
Once GLaDOS is successfully overthrown and replaced by Wheatley, it takes about 30 seconds before Wheatley himself turns evil. Less of an evil genius like GLaDOS and more of an evil moron, Wheatley turns out to be even more dangerous than his predecessor. The bitter new Aperture leader immediately gets revenge on GLaDOS by forcing her consciousness into…you guessed it, a potato battery. As Chell and the downgraded AI are free-falling down a seemingly bottomless elevator shaft, GLaDOS still makes sure not to waste an opportunity for an ‘I told you so’. "So. How are you holding up?" "BECAUSE I'M A POTATO." "[clap clap clap]" "Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that." This resentfully sarcastic quote perfectly sets up the new dynamic that Chell and GLaDOS are about to embark on for the next part of the story. GLaDOS is now entirely powerless and if she’s going to make her way back to the top, she’s going to have to actually work with her mute arch-nemesis, Chell.
7 - "Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news." - Cave Johnson
The wonderment of exploring old Aperture Science is made even better with the hilarious Cave Johnson
One of Cave's funniest moments, start at 0:22
When you and the potato battery finally land, GLaDOS is promptly abducted by a crow, Chell then needs to figure out where in all of Aperture she's found herself. After some exploring, your character discovers the very early days of Aperture testing in the form of a vast, dilapidated area, built in the 50s. You’re welcomed by a pre-recorded greeting from the charismatic Aperture CEO, Cave Johnson (although his message isn’t exactly inclusive to our protagonist), "Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians – you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So: Who is ready to make some science?" As the years of Mr Johnson’s messages progress, we hear more and more of the ethical nightmares that Aperture was involved with in the name of science. The first of these is heard very early on and sets up Cave’s character so hilariously well. "Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts." The brash, confident voice of J.K. Simmons perfectly matches this character to the point where you simply can’t imagine anyone else doing Cave Johnson justice.
6 - "Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel." - Cave Johnson.
Bounce on the blue repulsion gel just don't get covered in it...
Check out Cave's untimely advice here in this clip
Mr Johnson and his “lab boys” certainly have a care-free approach to science. They tend to make their products by any means necessary for it to ‘work’ and then deal with the problems later. I guess that’s what their poor test subjects are there for. As soon as you progress past the very first test that features the blue repulsion gel, the ever-helpful Cave Johnson gives you some great, albeit ill-timed advice concerning the gel. "Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel. We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton."
5 - “I’ve been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade, get mad!” - Cave Johnson
Maybe the single most funny quote in the game, Cave Johnson's lemon rant
This legendary rant about lemons is Cave’s enraged response to his previously submissive and meek attitude. After mining moon rocks to make white portal gel, Cave falls deathly ill from inhaling the toxic rocks and his usual macho attitude to science takes a momentary dip as he becomes depressed by his inevitably early death. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” Cave says about trying to use the moon rocks as a potential cure. The next message we hear from Cave Johnson has a slightly more...aggressive attitude. "All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?' Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"
4 - “Hello, this is the part where I kill you” – Wheatley
The part where he kills you
The part where he kills you begins at 0:55 in this clip
Once you and your new potato ally finally make their way back to the main section of the Aperture facility, Wheatley forces you to test once again due to a built-in urge to test, known as ‘The Itch’. After the satisfaction from Chell completing Wheatley’s hodgepodge puzzles wears off, he soon reveals in a surprise trap, (that even GLaDOS has to admit was pretty good) that he no longer needs either of them. From Wheatley’s time destroying GLaDOS’ poor facility, he finds ‘two little robots’ (P-Body and Atlas) that are going to replace Chell as testers. And so comes the part where he tries to kill you in the chapter titled ‘The Part Where He Kills You’. As Wheatley brings the two over to his death trap, GLaDOS calmly tells Chell, "Well, this is the part where he kills us." Wheatley then greets you both with, “Hello, this is the part where I kill you!” Getting to this moment in the story for the first time also grants the player with the achievement, “The Part Where He Kills You”. I wonder if he’s going to try and kill you.
3 - “Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!” - Wheatley
Classic Wheatley, a fan favourite for sure
Relive this side-splitting moment in this short, 5 second clip
Unsurprisingly, Chell outsmarts Wheatley’s murder attempt and goes on the run. What follows is a giant game of cat and mouse all over the Aperture Science facility. Due to GLaDOS’ relentless barrage of insults to Wheatley’s intelligence, the flustered robot sphere develops something of a complex concerning his intellect. Reading Machiavelli, listening to classical music and references to Aristotle (kind of) are just a few of the things Wheatley tries to shove in GLaDOS’ face to prove that he’s smart. When Chell evades one of his many traps, Wheatley feigns a smug confidence, saying that he’s happy to have found someone to match his own intelligence. "Well... Good. Good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect. Holmes versus Moriarty. Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!"
2 - “You like revenge right? Everybody likes revenge! So let’s go get some!” - GLaDOS
Where the unlikely partnership comes up with their plan to finally take down Wheatley moments before the story's climax
Check out GLaDOS' pep talk at 0:24 in on this long clip that features the final battle
This penultimate quote is in the context of a truly epic journey that Chell and GLaDOS have just been on. From cheating death countless times to exploring an ancient, colossal testing space that’s been hidden for centuries, to using experimental and dangerous technology to flee seemingly inescapable areas, and now this: having to battle a stupid, evil robot. In the short elevator ride up to Wheatley’s lair, GLaDOS gives a last-minute pep talk to hype them both up for the fight ahead. "Look, even if you think we're still enemies, we're enemies with a common interest: Revenge. You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some!"
1 - “It’s been fun. Don’t come back” – GLaDOS
The poignant final moment of the epic Portal sequel
The final entry on this list is the perfect final remark from GLaDOS to her new-found ally, Chell. After rescuing Chell from nearly being sucked into the vacuum of space (don’t ask), GLaDOS is finally back in her own body and can restore the facility back to how it should be. The once-wicked artificial intelligence is now just thankful that Chell managed to get them both back up to Wheatley to get rid of him once and for all. This quote is perfect because even GLaDOS can’t deny the incredible adventure they just had, despite nearly destroying the entire facility. As thankful as she is, she still very much wants to see the back of Chell, after all the problems she’s caused her and the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. This quote ties up the story perfectly and leaves only a few questions unanswered. “It’s been fun. Don’t come back”
